Blaming Indonesia is counterproductive. It’s not an entire archipelago's fault that I’m stick. Again. The island of Java wouldn’t even blink if I left. But I can’t, and I won’t. The show must go on.
I feel like a fraud. You see, I like teaching. I do. Sometimes I even love it. Every job has aspects that are unpleasant. With teaching, it’s the planning and the grading that I detest. When I’m in the classroom, or working with a student one on one, I’m happy. When I’m talking directly with my pupils, watching recognition flash across their faces as they “get” something for the first time, I couldn’t ask for anything more. But when I have a stack of papers to grade, I freeze. I literally have to force myself to do the work. And it’s a painful process.
I’m not a terrible teacher. Sometimes I’m even decent. There have been moments when I would dare say I was kind of good. However, to be honest and risk looking like a selfish, horrible person, my primary reason for applying for this Fellowship was financial. And when you do anything for the sole purpose of money, nine times out of ten, you realize that although money makes the world go round, it also can never, ever, buy contentment. Lesson learned.
A ways back I read in some book (probably The Power of Now) that “dis-ease” is caused by an imbalance in your life. We all know stress makes us sick. I also believe that living the life you were not supposed to live also makes you sick. Very sick. Finding balance, no matter where you live, is a life saver.
What gave me balance in Chicago was having the privilege to teach during the day, and then having the pleasure of going to rehearsal at night to work with a group of artists: creating a piece of live theater. I’ve come to understand that yes, I do use theater in the classroom, but more than that, both teaching and theater are harbingers of change. That look of comprehension that flashes across a student’s face when you’ve finally explained something in a way they can understand is the same as the look on an audience member’s face when they walk out of a stunning piece of theater with eyes glazed and a small smile dancing on their lips. If the teacher is good, and the production is good, you walk away from both the classroom and the theater a different person. And that is what I want to do with my life. I want to be part of that process in others. I want people to walk out of my classroom, or my theater, altered, and better for it.
But I need both. I need teaching (and my students) to keep me intellectually challenged, grounded and sane. I need acting (and the audience) to keep me creative, inquisitive and expressive. With only one and not the other I tip over, a scale with one end up and the other on the floor. Hence my recent fever of 102, stomach cramps, and porridge for a week while watching Grey’s Anatomy and weeping into my hoodie. Tidak bagus Berne.
Let me backtrack (I know, I do that a lot) and say that I admire teachers as much as I admire Meryl Streep. My senior year English teacher in high school, Mr. Malone, will remain infamous in my memoirs. He taught me the beauty of literature and poetry; the prowess and relentless acumen necessary to properly dissect a piece of true genius like an e.e. cummings poem, or a Shakespeare play. And Dr. Nike Imaru, my fierce Theater teacher from England will always live in my mind to remind me to push myself, find the answer, dig deeper and never give up searching. Teachers are heroes. I may not be into pedagogy, or type up my lesson plans, but I have the spirit and drive required for the classroom. And I’m able to see where I need improvement after a lesson doesn’t go as smoothly as it should have. I’ve never been short of that.
Why the excuses? This duel title of actor/teacher carries with it some explanation. People want you to chose. They want you to pick one and focus on it. But I’m saying it’s OK to want both. To need both. I’m an actor who teaches. Except, in Indonesia, I feel like a teacher who used to act. And it’s wearing me out. The jig is up.
This brings me to why I got out of bed to write this entry. Today is the half way point. I arrived five months ago. I have five months remaining. With my latest bout of illness I seriously considered going home. I’m tired of the misdiagnoses, the “maybe it’s this, or maybe it’s that, but we don’t really know and have no way of knowing, so take some mylanta and sleep”. I miss Western medicine (I know, I’ve lost a lot of fluids), the certainty of science. I miss tests that come back conclusive. I miss doctors NOT laughing at you when you say it feels like there is a hole burning through your stomach. But that’s what I signed up for. I asked for this. I said yes to ten months of teaching in a developing country where there is no real theater.
In times like these I have a few tactics. Movies and tarot cards are my main sources of insight. When I can’t go to rehearsal, I pull three cards and listen. The first card is where I’m coming from. The middle card is the bridge that I must cross, and the last card is where I’m headed. As usual, Mr. Crowley was right on. The Queen of Disks was the first, and boy can I relate to her right about now. The Hermit fell into the middle. And at the end awaits the Wheel of Fortune. According to the little book inside the tarot card box (“Instructions for Aleister Crowley’s Thoth Tarot Deck”), The Hermit signifies: “Illumination from within. Divine inspiration. Wisdom. Prudence. Circumspection. Retirement from participation in current events.” Damn, he’s good.
Last night I watched the adorable and uplifting Julie & Julia and received confirmation that I am indeed where I’m supposed to be. Indonesia is my Hermit card. This is a journey. Sort of like a very long intermission. But like any good theater goer (or teacher) you do not leave when the actors are taking a break, or when the students look confused. Hedda Gabbler does not walk off stage if she’s just not feeling it. Blanche Dubois does not suddenly tell Stanley he’s right and leave the apartment to go get herself a life. That is why Julie Powell made all 524 of Julia Child’s recipes; because she said she would.
I’m not going anywhere. At least, not for my remaining five months. This show most certainly will go on. And when it’s over, there will be many more. This Hermit has some balancing to do.
Great post, Court! You know what? I almost watched Julie & Julia last night too but at the last minute I opted for 500 Days of Summer instead. But anyway, I know how much you miss acting and that whole side of yourself. I'm glad you put those thoughts into words on your blog. And I'm glad you're going to stay in Indonesia because you said you would. I just hope you are 100% healthy again soon! And rest assured that you will find the balance you seek soon enough.
ReplyDeleteCourtney, you are such a good writer. This was in many ways a painful post to write--written from sickness, written from the perspective of one who's taking stock and finds too many things in the minus column--but your style gives pleasure, to your readers if not always to you. And sometimes, I hope, to you. After all, you dragged yourself from a feverish bed to send this missal to us, to me, her in Chicago, pitch black at 6:06 and colder than a meat locker.
ReplyDeleteLove the intertextuality of this post: Ibsen, Blanche DuBois, Juila Child. You've sparked numerous synapses. I was talking about "Julia and Julia" just yesterday with my officemate and won't bore you with my own real-life Julia siting in Harvard Sq in 1983.
Your homages to some past teachers, and your distaste of grading and planning are two, no three, things I completely understand. If you haven't said thank you to these teachers and if they're still among the living, why not Google and Facebook them to let them know that their memories and lessons live on in the island of Java. Almost certainly they never thought of this when they taught you.
A dollop. Today happens to be the anniversary of the coining of the term "serendipity". Perhaps important not only for the suggestion of the power of coincidences but also for the South(east) Asian link: Serendip = Sri Lanka, and you're in Indonesia. OK, I'm grasping here. But actors and teachers of necessity grasp at all kinds of chance occurrences.
Just FYI, we had our meet-and-greet with our new director today. Canapés and wine and Randy. He's a good man and I think you'll like it back here.
"Indonesia is my hermit card" would make a good t-shirt.
just rediscovering your blog! thank you for writing and for your honesty. you are not a fraud...teaching like many careers does not meet all of your needs, and has some major drawbacks. i think most teachers would resonate with your thoughts about grading & paperwork. i know you have such a positive impact on students. all experience is an opportunity for increased self-awareness and homecoming--coming home to your true divine self. There's a book called All Sickness is Homesickness, and i commend you for looking at the reasons behind your illness...though i would say science is no certain thing and there are plenty of things Western medicine isn't able to diagnose or misdiagnoses...don't know if you finished Spell of the Sensuous but David Abram talks about dis-ease being borne out of our disconnection with our relationship with the non-human world...that what animates us into the world of the living in form is the same that animates a leaf and bird and stella. really honoring that we are living magical natural creatures and creating environments that nurtures that rather than stifles (like the West's work ethic, computerized and cubicle world) can help heal us.
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